I’ve been awol from a lot of things recently – more so than usual – and it’s been harder than usual to refocus and get back into a regular creative routine or process. Instead, I’ve been plugging tiny holes here or there and doing the things I need to do that require the least amount of effort or focus, while still distracting me from any thoughts or feelings that didn’t need to be dealt with right away. It’s kind of sad too, since I had an entire blog schedule laid out in my head for the rest of the year. I planned to evaluate the various self-publishing options I’ve been exploring, my favourite authors and motivation and goals. There was a lot in my plans and then random things fell on my plate and I decided instead to crawl into myself and figure out anything not required for day to day living out later. So today is later and instead of focusing on my writing, or editing, or marketing my yet undefined and incomplete book, I just want to share some things I’ve been thinking and feeling that aren’t work or making the people in my life happy or comfortable. So here goes:
1) Grief, and coping with it or just not – I generally don’t handle feelings well. My automatic fight or flight response to things that make me uncomfortable means that I don’t always react in the most productive ways to my own emotions. I’m angry when I should be happy, reserved when I should be expressive, happy when I should be sad, and so I compartmentalize things more often than I should until I have time to process and figure out how I feel and what I need to share. It makes some relationships difficult, since I often write what I should say, or walk away and then come back with thoughts laid out to avoid lashing out irrationally or expressing things I’m not really feeling. This is true of death and this year I was forced to come to terms yet again with my inability to properly mourn these days. I often feel the need to be strong for other people and move forward despite whatever is happening, and yet again compartmentalizing so I can be there for others, until I have an opportunity to deal with my emotions on my own. That means that I often get blindsided by my open feelings randomly. It happens occasionally and I compartmenalise some more until I can figure it out later which sometimes takes days, weeks, months etc.
b) Imposter Syndrome – It always amazes me the number of fantastic and talented people that I know that never seem to feel like they are good enough. Whether it’s in their work, hobbies, personal lives, it doesn’t matter, since it seems we all often have moments of doubt and worry that we’re going to be discovered for our inefficiencies. Fake it til you make it is the general advice so many of us receive, but at what point do we no longer feel like we’re faking it? At what point do we feel like we belong? Some days it feels like it takes all of my effort to keep things afloat, to succeed at work, family, interpersonal relationships, and it all, so I often sit and wonder if maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m lacking and someone else will be more efficient, more capable, just more. When that is my day to day feeling, it’s hard to be creative, to put pen to paper, type my own words, edit and reread when I feel that way. If I don’t believe in my own abilities, if I feel like I’m barely getting by, then how can I expect anyone else to believe in me. Eventually, imposters are exposed and their weaknesses are discovered. Do I want to risk that, to open that side of myself up to the world? It’s been on my mind a lot recently, as I motivate my friends and loved ones to believe in themselves. It’s hypocritical, but it’s easier for me to be strong for them than to do it for myself, or ask them to take that leap of faith with me.
III) Trust and strength – I honestly believe that vulnerability takes a special type of strength that many of us are lacking and often fail to recognise in our daily lives. We often ask others to be stronger, to do more, to bear more and smile through it all. I often find it difficult to truly open up to others. I might not even post this (we’ll see if I do), but even if I do a lot of what I’ve said here is generalised for a reason. I don’t trust easily, and I respect those who can and do on a regular basis.
4) Self-expression and self-acceptance – One of the most important things I’ve been figuring out recently is that my feelings are valid and continue to be so no matter what they may be. It doesn’t make them right, it doesn’t make them productive, but they remain valid simply because they are mine. Denying them, ignoring them, and forcing past them doesn’t change the reality of them, nor does it help me to resolve them. I spend a lot of time on self-reflection and have a lot of insight into my thoughts, feelings and weaknesses, but I’m working on accepting all of that more than trying to just constantly change or improve on it.
I’ll get back to my writing and figuring things out as I go, but life happens and we do the best we can, with what we have. Now that this is off my
chest, I’ll keep trying to figure out what I’ve got and what my best is in it all.
Photo by Artem Saranin from Pexels
I Wrote A Thing 