Random thoughts blurb
I gave myself a specific goal when I started writing again this year to help me with “Feeling my Feelings,” and that was to articulate my wants. I tend to push my desires down for the sake of the people I love, and so they often get lost so deep that even I forget what I want and need from those relationships. So, for the first 20 or so poems I wrote this year they all started with “I want…” and it felt very odd at first. It felt extremely self-centered and outside of my nature, but it got easier over time to sit in each moment and be mindful of where my mind and heart were at the time of writing. I won’t date this poem because no one needs to try and figure out who this is about or what inspired it, but one day this year I sat in a moment, and this is what came out.
The Actual Poem
I want to hate you, but I can’t.
It would be easier, would make the most sense.
It would purge you from my soul,
Cleanse my every waking moment.
Exorcise your spirit that whispers in my ears that I was unworthy,
That none of it was real to you… or me.
I want to hate you, but I won’t.
I don’t know how to quit,
To give in to reality and broken dreams.
To admit that I can’t fight for what doesn’t want me.
I don’t know how to walk away,
How to leave the field and admit that I lost.
I want to hate you, but it won’t make sense…
Because I never got to love you.
Never in my heart, only in my head.
I loved your possibilities,
I loved the promises and the lies.
I loved the man I never met, who never came to be.
So how can I hate him?… he was never even real.
2023-sometime
I Wrote A Thing 